Fighting Zombies and Other Thoughts On A Rainy Day in Port Jeff

Rainy days in winter typically mean two things for the hardcore owners and workers of a small shop down in Port Jeff:

  1. Most likely, you’ll end the day with ten dollars in your drawer and that’s only because your regular customer/stalker/first mental patient came in and you forced him to buy lunch instead of stealing several hundred sugar packets as usual (fingers crossed that he’s not baking a wedding cake for you two with all that sugar).
  2. You’ll need to find a way to stop yourself from turning into a zombie during your eight hour shift. Quickly.

To my fellow entrepreneurs twitching at the sound of each raindrop inside your empty stores, tattoo these words into your hearts or all over your bodies with your remaining mental strength: it’s almost summer.

Yes, dear strangers, we’ve survived another lonely season and now approach that time when tourists will stroll through our streets again, smearing their ice creamy hands up and down our windows.  And whatever prayers you might say when you see their crazed, whip cream-coated grins against the glass will be offered up in gratitude rather than fear at such a sight because at least they’re humans and not hallucinations anymore.

Leonardo DiCaprioUntil then, please don’t spend your time acting out the Titanic with that life-sized ice sculpture of Leonardo DiCaprio you carved and have kept in your freezer. He’s not real (I’m sorry), and the few people who wander into your store to use the bathroom will most likely call the cops when they find you two. Then that tragic romance of yours will continue in jail.

Avoid this outcome by talking to real people, like the guys working at your neighboring businesses.  Making a movie with them could be a fantastic way to entertain yourselves and much less creepy than any private acting ventures you might’ve considered while softly singing a certain Celine Dion song.  Combine the resources from your stores for an even more Oscar worthy spectacle.  A sweet leather jacket from the Port Jeff Motorcyle Store and one of those epic Indiana Jones like hats at Tumi, for instance, would work perfectly as props in an adventure film about Chandler Square.  If the psychic lady around the corner can do a decent German accent and doesn’t mind being a S out for “vorld” domination, then you’re truly ready for greatness.

bridezillaAnd to you future pedestrians of Port Jeff, on the next rainy day while you’re halfway through a marathon of Bridezilla and starting to question your own existence, know that not so far from you there’s a group of slightly insane, wonderful people who may possibly be splashing through the streets with a psychic shouting after them in some fake German.  And if you’re able to stop watching scary women getting married, then toss aside those potato chips and come to Port Jeff.  We’ll be here, and even if you don’t want to buy our stuff, you can always hold the camera for us as we work on our show.